


Umbrella Emails

by Adrastiana



Category: Biohazard | Resident Evil (Gameverse)
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-25
Updated: 2018-10-25
Packaged: 2019-08-07 08:27:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16404845
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Adrastiana/pseuds/Adrastiana
Summary: Even Umbrella employees have first world problems. This is a collection of emails about them.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So it's been awhile but I think that many of the non-main character names I used actually are taken from some of the documents you can pic up in Resident Evil: Outbreak.

**From Jeff in security**   


Yesterday I left an apple by the typewriter in the security office. And when I got back from the bathroom it was gone. Now I'm not blaming anyone. So nobody should start getting defensive here. I get enough of that at home. However, at 10 pm I went on my usual patrol around the turntable, and what did I find by the back door to the locomotive? An apple core. Somebody (Again, not naming names here) walked off with my apple, ate it, then tossed the core behind the locomotive. You know, like no one would notice. Well guess what? I noticed. So not only is someone (Again, I'm NOT blaming anyone!) an apple thief but they were also littering. The only other person on duty in the security office at the time was Ed (Who I am not blaming for this!). However, I noticed that Ed was not in the office when I returned from the bathroom. Maybe he was on patrol or heard a suspicious noise or something. I don't know. But this was when I noticed that my apple was gone. And while I AM NOT blaming Ed, I am requesting that this matter be looked into as soon as possible. Thank you.  


~~~  


**From Greg in low temperature experiments**  


Why can't I keep my popsicles in the low temperature experiment room? You let Bob in chemical disposal keep his insulin in the chemical storage refrigerator. So why can't I keep my popsicles in the low temperature experiments room? I work there. It's like my office. So why can't I keep my popsicles in my office where it's nice and cold and they won't melt? I can't keep them in the break room. The refrigerator there doesn't get cold enough. And I'm not keeping anything in that refrigerator anymore anyway. Last week someone stole my Mountain Dew that had my name on it.  


But getting back to my popsicles, I was told by management that I am under no circumstances allowed to keep food of any kind in the low temperature experiment room due to contamination concerns. What contamination concerns? The popsicles are in a box and each popsicle is individually wrapped in plastic. And it's not like they are going to melt in there anyway. So I fail to see how they could contaminate anything. What about Bob's insulin? The bottle could leak or break and insulin would contaminate other chemicals. Now that's a serious risk! But the higher ups don't see it this way.  


Why is Bob getting preferential treatment? Is it because he's been here longer than me? That's not fair. My popsicles are just as important as Bob's insulin and I am requesting to be treated fairly here. Is that so much to ask? Fairness in the workplace? I hope you consider my concerns and address them promptly.  


~~~  


**From Harry in maintenance**  


I'm registering a complaint about the toilet paper in this place. Some time around the middle of last week I noticed that the soft high quality toilet paper we've had here for years was switched out for a cheap and scratchy discount brand. At first I figured that we ran out of the good stuff and this was only a temporary issue. Well, I came back to work this Monday after my much deserved three day weekend only to find that the bathrooms are still stocked with cheap low grade toilet paper. I am appalled. I have been working here since before this facility was fully operational. I think that I've put enough time in to deserve a little compensation for all my years of loyal service to Umbrella.  


Frankly I am shocked that one of the world's largest pharmaceutical companies cannot afford to provide soft, quilted, high quality two-ply toilet paper for the loyal employees that keep them up and running every day. Therefore I don't feel that it's too much to ask that the toilet paper be changed back to the high quality brand that I have come to rely on every day. I don't want to resort to bringing toilet paper from home when I shouldn't have to.  


~~~  


**From Randy in G Virus research and development**  


William keeps stealing my coffee cup. Every morning when I go to get my coffee I can't find my cup because it's already on William Birkin's desk. I could understand if it was a company cup. But it's my coffee cup that I brought from home. I even wrote my name on it with permanent, water proof marker. But he is still using it anyway. It's bad enough that by the time I find another cup he's already drank most of the coffee. Not to mention that he's a total slob and spills cream and sugar everywhere.  


Yesterday I asked him nicely if I could have my cup back. And his wife yelled at me for upsetting "Her William while he's working". Meanwhile he's just staring blankly at his computer screen sipping coffee out of my coffee cup. Then he has the nerve to turn to me and ask me if there was any more coffee.  


I simply cannot work in such a hostile environment where the sanctity of my coffee cup is not respected. I demand something be done about this. Thank you for your time.  



	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More of the same. I think Kevin may have wrote to the wrong email address. XD
> 
> Stay safe Kev! <3

**From Kevin Ryman RPD**  


Am I writing to the right place? I had to check the Chief's address book because I threw the wrapper away. You discontinued Spicy Picante Bacon Cheddar Ranch Umbrella Noodles! Why? They were my favorite flavor. The lady at the grocery store (who is REALLY hot by the way) said I was the only one who was buying them. But I eat them six times a day. Isn't that enough to keep them on the shelves?  


I bought the last case they had. I got a discount because no one else wanted it. Only 29 cents! But that's only gonna last me a week at most. If you have any more cases of Spicy Picante Bacon Cheddar Ranch Umbrella Noodles laying around can I have them? I'll pay anything. I've enclosed my address and place of work. Please get back to me soon.  


~~~  


**From Monica**  


Someone keeps stealing my diet soda from the refrigerator in the break room. I am on the diet soda diet and all I can drink is diet soda. I thought I made this clear to everyone!  


It's Greg from Low Temperature Experiments isn't it? He keeps whining about his popsicles and Mountain Dew. But it's all a cover up so I won't suspect that he's guzzling down my diet soda every chance he gets. I knew that guy was shifty. He tried to blame the whole thing on Bob just because Bob has diabetes. What a jerk! I recommend that he be fired immediately and the reimbursement for the diet soda that he stole be deducted from his paycheck.  


~~~  


**From Ed in security**  


I want to request a transfer. I am not getting along with my shift partner Jeff. He keeps glaring at me and leaving apples all over the place. Today I found an apple in my coat pocket. And I know I didn't put it there. He's watching me like a hawk and it's really creeping me out. I think he might have some issues.  


I borrow one apple because I have low blood sugar and the guy turns into a class A weirdo. I can't take this anymore. So I'm requesting a transfer to Rockfort Island. I hear it's very nice this time of year. I hope that you consider my request. I'll be eagerly awaiting your reply.  


~~~  


**From Al in train maintenance**  


Alright I've had it! I've been working on trains for 40 years and this has got to be the worst case of train abuse and neglect I have ever seen. I was running my bi-weekly check on the emergency escape system when I noticed something. Do you want to know what I noticed? Well I'll tell you! The gate wouldn't open all the way! Yes that's right. How can you evacuate during an emergency if the train can't get through the gate?  


I requested a maintenance crew and had to wait six hours for anybody to show up. And when they finally decided to get their sorry asses down here they couldn't do anything anyway. Because the controls locked up. So I'm sitting there with these guys who look so green behind the ears they might as well be in highschool. And one of them starts saying that maybe we could reroute the whatchamajig to the thingamabob or whatever. I don't know what these youngins are talking about! For all I know they were getting sassy with me. Well I don't take no sass mouth from no kids who think they know more about trains then me. So I told them about it. And you know what they did? They laughed at me!  


Not only are your trains all lollywoggled but your maintenance crew consists of smartmouth punks. I demand that you do something about this. I've worked on trains for 40 years. 40 years! And never in my life have I been so insulted. Please do something about this immediately!  


~~~  


**From Annette Birkin**  


I'd like to file a formal complaint about Randy. He works in G Virus Research And Development. This is on behalf of my husband William, who is far too busy to be bothered with this right now. For the past few weeks Randy has been harassing my husband over a coffee cup. Can you believe it? My William doesn't have time for this juvenile nonsense. He works 18 hours a day! Yet single shift Randy keeps complaining that William is drinking all of the coffee. William needs that coffee more. He's entitled to it. Why can't Randy just get a soda from the vending machine and leave William alone? He even had the nerve to call my William a slob. William doesn't have time to clean up spilled coffee condiments. Why can't Randy clean it up? He certainly isn't doing anything else. His work ethic is poor and I think he should be fired.  



End file.
